Do you have lots of friends, but no one you can ask for a hug when you need one? Perhaps you follow your friends' lives on social media, while you almost never actually meet?
If so, you may have a lot of "catch-up friendships": friendships that live on occasional status updates and provide social contact, but little emotional support.
Social media has given us insight into each other's lives even if we have not spoken for months. As a result, when we finally meet, our conversations often turn into status updates about work, children and achievements.
"But if these are the only kind of friendships we have, we can easily end up feeling lonely," says Marja Aartsen, a researcher at the NOVA institute at OsloMet.
Three types of loneliness
Loneliness researchers often distinguish between three types of loneliness: social, emotional and existential. You feel socially lonely if you find that you have too few social relations. This is painful, but Aartsen believes emotional loneliness is often more painful still.
"That's when we're missing a partner or close friend with whom we we can share our deepest feelings with."
Existential loneliness, is the type of loneliness that you feel when you do not feel to belong to the society you live in. Perhaps you once did, but not anymore.
"If these are the only kind of friendships we have, we can easily end up feeling lonely" –– Research Professor Marja Aartsen
Aartsen believes that "catch-up friendships" can reduce feelings of social loneliness to some extent, but there is also the risk of increasing loneliness, as people tend to showcase their success on social media, not their failures which gives the impression that everybody else has it better than you. People become relatively deprived, and that creates loneliness too.
On top of that, there's a constant process of evaluation through 'likes', and if someone gets more likes than you, that too reinforces the relative deprivation."
Loneliness rising most among the young
When Aartsen and a colleague recently examined trends in loneliness across Europe, they found that overall levels had remained relatively stable over time. The only group to show a notable increase in loneliness over the past ten years was young people aged 15 to 29. This finding is consistent with other studies that have linked rising loneliness to increased internet use (onlinelibrary.wiley.com).
"It wasn't that these young people felt lonely all the time. But they scored relatively highl on what we call moderate loneliness – that is, feeling lonely from time to time," says Aartsen.
Looking across all age groups, 21 per cent of respondents report this type of moderate loneliness.
Among people under-30, however, the proportion is more than double, at 55 per cent. According to the study, published in the book Loneliness Re-Examined: Societal Influences and Future Research Directions (see references), this prevalence has risen by 9 percentage points over the last ten years.
"But is it really so serious to feel lonely now and then?"
"No – and according to the American psychologist John Cacioppo, it can even be useful. Just as hunger signals that we need to eat, loneliness can be a signal that we need to maintain social contact. But because people are often reluctant to admit they're lonely, 'now and then' can also mask more serious forms of loneliness," says Aartsen.
Weak ties aren't strong enough, she argues
As for why loneliness is rising among the youngest, she believes the cause lies precisely in the type of network different age groups have. Young people often have the largest digital networks, and that can be perfectly fine if you also have a physical network alongside it, according to Aartsen.
On social media we mainly share what's going well, which creates the impression that everyone else is always doing better.– Marja Aartsen
"But if the physical network is weak, there's a risk that the ties you do have become too weak. Sometimes you just need a hug. That can mean far more than a thumbs up."
The deepest form of loneliness – feeling lonely all or most of the time – occurs most frequently, according to Aartsen's study, among people over 80. But these figures have fallen over the past ten years.
"In the book chapter, we ask whether we have a loneliness epidemic, as is sometimes claimed. We conclude that we don't, because the figures don't suggest loneliness overall is increasing in Europe right now. But younger people do appear to be a vulnerable group."
Just do it!
If you find yourself missing close friendships, the sociologist has a clear piece of advice:
"Something I learned myself a long time ago is that the only way to make friends is to be a friend to others first. Friends don't come automatically – you have to work for it," she says.
She encourages people to seek out places where others share their interests. When she herself was young, she joined a drama club and made friends who have stayed in her life ever since.
"I know it can feel intimidating to join a new group. But just do it! You never know where it might lead."
"Could building on a friendship with a 'catch-up friend' be an option?"
"Yes, absolutely. A weak tie can become stronger, and it can also act as a bridge to a new networks. The more weak ties you have, the greater your chances of finding new networks – and new friendships too."
Sources
- Vasile, M. & Aartsen, M., (2025). Loneliness prevalence in different age groups in Europe. I M. Aartsen, I. Precupetu, & B. Suanet (Red.), Loneliness re-examined: societal influences and future research directions (s. 89–113). Springer. (link.springer.com)
- Twenge, J. M., Haidt, J., Blake, A. B., McAllister, C., Lemon, H., & Le Roy, A., (2021). Worldwide increases in adolescent loneliness. Journal of Adolescence 93 (1). (onlinelibrary.wiley.com)
The text is translated from Norwegian to English with the help of Claude AI and quality-checked by OsloMet.
